Another Attempt At World’s Largest Bread Loaf
BRUGES, Kingdom of Flanders, June 20 1316
The yeasty smell of ambition is literally in the air alongside the bakeries around the Reie river in Bruges. As hundreds of professional and amateur bakers have gathered here to challenge the record of largest bread loaf ever baked. The dough of their joint effort is being poured into a specially made wrought iron baking tin, where it’ll be baked by the burning of hundreds of thousands of leftover publicity pamphlets from a nearby liquor-peddler.
The record attempt will be officially registered by a jury from the St. James’ Gate Brewery Book of World Records, who catalogue all world records in order to settle drunken bar bets and brawls. The bread will have to be at least 400m³ in size and weigh in at a minimum of 20 tonnes ( 20,37 barns and 909,86 anvils respectively in English Imperial measurements) to beat the current record.
The reigning champion of paninis is of course accidentally held by the Kingdom of Italy for years now with it’s famous Focaccia of Firenze. This humongous flatbread was baked in an attempt to make the world’s largest pizza. The objective was changed however, when the entire town’s gathered cheese supply was stolen in a ludicrously elaborate heist by a team of award-winning international thieves, who thought they were stealing gold bars.
Many dangers and hardships stand in the way of those who try at the crown of biggest bread as has been shown by the many unsuccessful attempts that have been made so far. Most notably, there was the previous attempt in Kiev in 1314. But the enormous borodinsky they made was top heavy and toppled on it’s side when it was baked, crushing a statue of the Lord Deus Triune. Which is why bread has been forbidden by holy decree in Kiev ever since. And who could forget the attempt made by France that was disqualified by the jury due to the warped and perverted shape that their bread loaf ended up as:
Whether or not the Flemish Bread will have a chance to beat the current champion is still unsure, as a week full of birthdays and birthday cakes is threatening wheat supplies. Optimistic projections however are predicting a loaf the size of the moon that could feed the world’s population for many years to come. Others are pessimistic and fear that the sheer weight of the entire bread will cause a sinkhole straight down to Dante’s Inferno. We will know soon enough on June 25 when the grand loaf will be unveiled and measured by the Book of World Records Jury.
Patrick Lurch, Chronicler
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